Saturday Morning News Bits-Sunday Edition: Palin, underwear, Dubya, deer, Sandwich, Miley, and Sporty

1. SEXISM HAS NEVER BEEN SEXIER

Sarah Palin was back in the news this week. Not only was her first (and let's pray, last) book, titled Going Rogue, which I assume is a euphemism for not wearing underwear, released, but she also appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Palin also took a couple of minutes to speak out against Newsweek magazine's cover photo choice on her Facebook page:

"The choice of photo for the cover of this week's Newsweek is unfortunate. When it comes to Sarah Palin, this "news" magazine has relished focusing on the irrelevant rather than the relevant. The Runner's World magazine one-page profile for which this photo was taken was all about health and fitness -- a subject to which I am devoted and which is critically important to this nation. The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist and oh-so-expected by now. If anyone can learn anything from it: it shows why you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, gender, or color of skin. The media will do anything to draw attention -- even if out of context."

Wait. This photo of you in skimpy running shorts looking all hot Tina Fey-style is Newsweek's attempt at illustrating the boring old "don't judge a book by its cover" argument? I'm sorry, Ms. Palin, but when I look at this photograph of you striking a semi-sensual pose next to an American flag, the only thing I'm thinking is, "That is one former-governor of Alaska I wouldn't mind going a couple of rounds with in the sack." Am I judging your "book" incorrectly? Are you not a hellcat in the bedroom? Are you really nothing more than a semi-retarded, tragically uninformed bit of Republican eye-candy?

While we're judging books by their covers, allow me to weigh in on Palin's Going Rogue: An American Life, the cover of which can be seen here: this book is boring. Should've gone with the Runner's World photo, Sarah. You look better with your hair up. Is that sexist?

Also, I didn't think Sarah Palin kept up with news magazines or literature in general. How did she even find out about the Newsweek cover?

2. BREAKING, ENTERING, AND HANGING OUT

This story courtesy of CBS 4 in Colorado gave me a laugh boner:

Police in Golden are releasing details about an odd crime last week in which a resident found an intruder in his home who had made himself comfortable.

Police said they responded to a burglary call where shots were fired in the 1200 block of Mesa Court on Nov. 9. When officers arrived they found the homeowner holding a man at gunpoint.

The homeowner told police he returned home at about 5 p.m. and found a car that wasn't his in his garage.

"When he opened his garage door he found that there was a white Lexus ES300 parked in his garage. He entered his home and went to the master bedroom. The homeowner noticed that several items were out of place," said Golden police spokesman Jeff Hesalroad in a prepared statement.

Hesalroad said the homeowner then went to his bedroom and got his handgun. He called out and a man answered. Police say he found Timothy P. Gonzales wearing only a pair of boxers that belonged to the homeowner.

If this isn't the plot of the upcoming sequel to The Strangers, consider the ball officially dropped.

3. PLANS FOR THE GEORGE W. BUSH LIEBERRY UNVEILED

Former first lady Laura Bush unveiled the plans for the forthcoming George W. Bush Presidential Library last week and, I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited. Dubya's library will include:

*100 rotating magazine racks containing nothing but Highlights For Children

*A photo gallery featuring the permanent exhibit George W. Bush: 8 Years, 800 Silly Faces

*Finger painting stations

*A make-your-own-ice-cream-sundae bar

*An entire floor dedicated to Garfield comics

*A 6-foot statue of Dubya and Jesus Christ sharing a beer with one another in the foyer

*Books, prolly

*And a water slide!

None of that is even remotely true. For the real story, check out this link.

Oh, the library will include a replica of the Oval Office. I don't know if that comes standard with a presidential library or not, but that sounds pretty cool. You could sit in the replica seat in the replica office of one of the worst presidents in American history. I've got my 2013 summer vacation planned, unless, you know, the world has already ended.
4. TOM GREEN'S GOT A LOT OF HUMPING TO DO

I haven't showered in two days, but I know I don't smell nearly as bad as North Buffalo, PA did last week. Not yet anyway. So, what was the problem? Well...

Pennsylvania Department of Transportation crews have removed some 200 deer carcasses piled in a yard in North Buffalo Township, Armstrong County.

Channel 4 Action News' Amber Nicotra spoke to PennDOT's Harold Swan, who said crews began removing the remains from the property on Sportsman Road around 5:30 a.m. on Wednesday.

The carcasses were collected by Randy Good, an Armstrong County man who's contracted to remove them from southwestern Pennsylvania roadways.

Yes, you read correctly. Don't question your eyesight or comprehension skills just yet. Randy Good was hired by the government to remove dead animals from Pennsylvania's roads and he hasn't come up with a better method of disposal than PILING THEM IN HIS FRONT YARD! What the hell?! Shouldn't that be one of the issues discussed when you're hiring someone to keep the roads free and clear of rotting animal carcasses?

"So, Mr. Good, if you get the job, how do you plan on disposing of these deer corpses once you've collected them from the roadside?"

"Well, I was thinking I'd stack them on my lawn, you know, out where everyone can see and smell them on a daily basis."

"Best plan I've heard yet. You are hired, sir!"

I do kind of feel bad for Good though. Apparently, North Buffalo, PA is the place to be if you like running deer down with your car. So many deer are being flattened, Good can't keep up:

Good said there have been so many that he's overwhelmed. He has a contract with PennDOT to pick up dead deer in five counties. He said he's been picking up 50 or more a day.

Good is required to take the carcasses to approved landfills, which are closed on the weekend. So, in order to use his truck to pick up the new ones, he's been discarding the old ones in his yard.

You can see a picture of Good's deer pile here, but I wouldn't recommend it. There are somethings you can't un-see. You've been warned.
5. EMBRYO SANDWICH

Uh-oh, there's trouble brewing in Sandwich, Massachusetts:

A meeting was held at a school in Sandwich on Tuesday night to address concerns over exhibits displayed during a science class earlier in the week.

Parents of some fifth grade students at the Forestdale School in Sandwich attended the meeting with school officials.

The speaker, a pathologist assistant, showed students slides of lung tissue, a brain, skin, a kidney, and a spleen. He also showed human embryos and zygotes, the fertilized female egg that eventually develops into an embryo.

The embryo images angered some parents who consider fifth graders too young to be exposed to such things.

They were shown pictures of embryos, people! The speaker didn't show them graphic pictorial depictions of babymaking or a slide presentation on the birth of conjoined twins or something. They looked at pictures of organs and embryos. Who gives a shit? What, did some fifth grade boy see a picture of a zygote and go, "OMG, I've got to start banging girls, like, immediately!"

I hate to read about bad things happening in deliciously named places.

SANDWICH, MASSACHUSETTS FUN FACT: Two members of something called The Whitest Kids U Know grew up in Sandwich. Neat, I guess.

6. MILEY HATES TWILIGHT, LOVES STUPID HATS

It was a sloooooow entertainment news week, but The Mormon Vampire Saga: New Moon provided a bright spot for people who like that sort of thing. So, what does pop tart Miley Cyrus think about the Twilight phenomenon:

“I’ve never seen [Twilight], and nor will I ever...I don’t believe in it—I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires, I don’t like any of the stuff, like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it, I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts, any of it.”

OK, Miles, we get it. Sheesh! I mean, you've really got to hate something when you lash out at the merchandise surrounding it. By the way, EW, who gives a shit about this again? I missed that part.

On a personal note, my admiration for Miley Cyrus is waning. I know that has shocked some of you, probably to the point of heart palpitations, but it's true. While I do agree with her on Twilight--it is totally effing dumb--this recent interview made me a little sad:

Two things: 1) Why is Miley dressed like an Indian? And 2) why are those two little girls flanking her NOT dressed like Indians?

7. REQUIEM FOR A RUBBER-SUITED MASCOT

I'm sure you've already heard, but Sports Clips mascot, Sporty, was viciously attack by two men last week in Madison, Wisconsin. Here's the story from Channel3000.com:

A Madison man dressed as his business' rubber-suited mascot was attacked this past weekend.

When it comes to promoting his West Side business, Steve Smith makes sure to jump in head first. With a rubberized suit, and a small motor strapped to his waist, he transforms into his alter-ego "Sporty," the mascot of his Madison Sport Clips business.

Smith said people gravitate to Sporty, who waves to passerby along the busy street.

"It's just guerilla marketing. It's drawing attention to ourselves," said Smith. "You see all these cars, they're going to stop. They see us, they wave. Their kids love to take their pictures with us."

But this past weekend, Sporty drew the wrong kind of attention. Smith said two men attacked him from behind.

"I felt somebody jump on me," said Smith. "At first, I thought it was one of my stylists, but they know better because you never touch Sporty. He could tip over real easily."

Smith said two attackers jumped on him and pushed him to the ground.

"We fell over to the curb, and then into the street," said Smith. "While they were on top of me jumping on me and punching me, I started yelling at them to get off. I was calling the police."

Like the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, I will never forget where I was when I first read about Sporty's beatdown (I was eating lunch at my desk). What could drive two young men to beat up the friendly mascot of a local haircuttery while his 12-year-old daughter looked on (oh, yeah, that happened--read the article)? Sure, there is something empty and cold about Sporty's eyes, but look at that smile. Sporty is about love. Sporty is about community. Sporty is about affordable haircuts.

If I'm being honest, Sporty irks me a little. I can't put my finger on why exactly, but when I first saw his picture, I had the uncontrollable urge to punch my computer screen.

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Food Porn Friday: Bacon Cheeseburger w/ French Fries

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5 Lamest Fads and Trends Throughout the Years

In three days, Hollywood will unleash the second film in the Twilight saga, New Moon, into American theaters. I can almost hear the squealing of a million preteen girls and their tragically delusional mothers now. To celebrate, GEP is taking a look back at some of the fads and trends that have come and (thankfully) gone over the past years in a little segment we like to call "5 Lamest..."
1. TAMAGOTCHI

Remember tamagotchi, the digital pet you could feed 'til it died? I never had one of my own, but I overfed my fair share of friend's tamagotchis. I wasn't a sociopath or anything--I never spiked the classroom hamster's water with anti-freeze or exposed myself in church--there was just something about that pixelated little duck-mouse that made me want to stuff it's belly full of digi-grub. I'd feed it, ignore it's pleas for sleep, feed it some more, feed it, feed it, feed it as it cried, feed it, refuse to toss the ball with it, feed it, allow it to wallow in its own feces, feed it, and watch it's eyes turn into Xs. I miss my childhood.

2. PHONE BOOTH STUFFING

The invention of the mobile phone, while making communication easier and more efficient, sounded the death knell for America's first national past time, phone booth stuffing. Now everybody's walking around with their iPhones, downloading apps and watching Jonas Brothers videos and sexting and what have you with nary a phone booth in sight. Sure, phone booth stuffing was all the rage from roughly the beginning of 1959 until about halfway through 1959 (replaced in popularity by something called "hunkerin'"), but it was still a helluva good time. Young men were known to cram 25 at a time into the naroow booths, sweaty and giggling, their supple bodies rubbing against one another, sometimes shirtless to make room for even more smooth-chested young gents. No wonder they called 'em the Gay Late-50's!
3. CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL BOOKS

Maybe the Chicken Soup for the... series isn't lame--I've never read even part of one--but one look at the above cover and I'm fairly certain my assumption is correct. Stories about Disses, Losses, Messes, Stresses & More, huh? Unless your teenager son or daughter is lobotomized, I'd expect to find this book either at the bottom of your trash compactor or hurtling into your face if you've purchased them a copy this Christmas.

The title says it all, I think. Chicken soup is the most trite, cliche, LAME cure all for the common cold and a book claiming to do the same for your soul sounds like a lie.

And, hey, you didn't have to be a teenager to benefit from Chicken Soup for the Soul's treacly goodness. Other titles include Chicken Soup for the African-American's Soul, Chicken Soup for the Chiropractic Soul, Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul, Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul, Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul, and my personal favorite, Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul. All of these books are, regrettably, very real.
4. CHUCK NORRIS FACTS

Chuck Norris jokes are a lot like the comedy stylings of Dane Cook: beloved by frat guys who don't know any better and not funny. Sure, fine, they were fun for a few seconds, but can we just move on already. I never thought I'd see a trend more irritating than quoting Napoleon Dynamite or Borat impressions, but Chuck Norris Facts are somehow more annoying than both of them combined. I mean, seriously, somebody tell me what's funny about this:

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

What? I saw what you did there, Dat Phan, but it ain't funny. And what about this one:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

C'mon! The Boogeyman doesn't sleep. He's too busy jumping out of kids' closets all over the world. He probably doesn't have his own closet anyway. He just uses our closets as a system of gateways from place to place. Lazy! Oh, and try this one on for size:

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

OK. That's actually funny.
5. SKIDZ

Mention the word "skids" to someone and they are liable to think that you're talking about those brown stains in Louie Anderson's underpants. They would be wrong. First of all, Louie wears boxer shorts. And second, Skidz were totally dumb flannel Hammer-pants that I actually wore (along with a big ol' Skidz-logo t-shirt) when I was in middle school. Just look at those people in the above ad. They look so happy, like a bunch of mental patients enjoying a day off hospital grounds. Seriously, Skidz were like pants for nursing home-bound old people who spend their days eating pudding, drooling in front of a soap operas, and farting. These were not pants for vibrant members of society. Luckily, the Skidz trend died off faster than an overfed tamagotchi and we were all free to return to our stone-washed jeans with the rolled cuffs and our Hypercolor t-shirts.

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Saturday Morning News Bits: prayer bus, bumper stickers, stupid coyotes, Britney Spears, XXX-mas, Oreo, and a crook cook

1. NEXT STOP ETERNAL DAMNATION...UNLESS...

This story out of Atlanta perfectly illustrates why I never have and never will use public transportation:

A MARTA [Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority] bus driver is on suspension following allegations that he forced passengers to pray before allowing them to exit the bus.

Christopher James was one of those passengers. James said, initially, he thought something was wrong when he rang the bell to get off the bus and the door didn’t open.

James said the bus driver asked him and three other passengers to join hands in prayer. James said the driver prayed with the group for about four minutes.

You gotta be careful with dudes like Leroy Matthews, the bus driver in question. Today he's forcing confused passengers into an impromptu prayer circle, and the next thing you know he's shooting up a K & S Cafeteria with an AK-47. I don't trust people who do their prayin' in public. I always assume that he or she is mere seconds away from snapping. It's one of the reasons I've never felt comfortable at a Billy Graham Crusade. That and the fact that they're called "crusades."
2. EVERYBODY HATES BARACK

You thought the Democrats had cornered the market on side-splittingly hilarious, eff-the-current-president bumper stickers? Well, you're in for a big surprise, bucko, because the Republican Party can be just as pants-wettingly vicious when it comes to puntastic bumper art:

Firefighter Mike Di’Giacomo said his SUV is banned from in the firehouse because the bumper stickers he has on it, displays his political views.

Di’Giacomo said he has never run into a problem like this in the 10 years he has been with the department.

The bumper stickers read:

Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing its idiot

I’ll keep my guns, freedom and money. You keep the change

Obama Bin Lyin. Impeach Now

What? No NObama? No Obama Has a Crisis of Competence? Dude, where's your Don't Blame Me. I Voted for the American sticker? It's obvious you've got some political views to share, Mr, Di'Giacomo, so why only three bumper stickers? You should completely cover your SUV in anti-Obama sentiment, like my cousin. The entire back window of his SUV advertises a Web site that exposes the conspiracy behind Obama's election. How can you consider yourself a diehard Conservative when your ride doesn't even sport the moving and poignant message Bend Over: Here Comes the Change? How do you show your face down at the country club without a Hey, Obama, I'm Baroke sticker/t-shirt combo?

I could go on, but I won't.

3. EFF YOU, COYOTES!

By now you've probably heard the tragic story of Taylor Mitchell, the Canadian folk singer mauled to death by two coyotes while hiking last week. Now, I know I spent the last month encouraging the animal kingdom to rise up and destroy mankind, but I feel I've been misunderstood. Allow me to clarify, animals: go after the bastards--leave the good guys alone. Coyotes, a Canadian folk singer is not your enemy. Folk singers by their very nature are forest-loving tree-huggers, crunchy introspective souls with a beautiful message, usually one about social justice for man and animal alike, to share. There's no reason to attack and kill a folk singer, especially not one in the prime of her life. That was a dick move, coyotes. Do you know how many cat-killers are still walking the streets without coyote-bites in their asses? Tons. You can't swing the body of a cat who has died of natural causes without hitting a cat who has been viciously eviscerated by some asshole teenage boy who's never been given a handjob, let alone, kissed a girl. You should concern yourself with those pricks, coyotes, not sweet, Canadian songbirds.

All silliness aside, if a couple of coyotes decided to chew my hypothetical daughter to bloody bits, you better believe I'd declare a jihad on all coyote-kind. Not a coyote would go un-kicked-in-the-balls. I'd be busting caps in so many coyotes' asses there'd be a nationwide bullet shortage. Believe dat! Coyotes would be on the endangered species list in no time.

Mitchell's mother, however, is pleading for the lives of the coyotes that tore her daughter to pieces:

...Mitchell responded to her daughter’s death saying, “We take a calculated risk when spending time in nature’s fold — it’s the wildlife’s terrain,” she wrote. “When the decision had been made to kill the pack of coyotes, I clearly heard Taylor’s voice say, ‘Please don’t, this is their space.’ She wouldn’t have wanted their demise, especially as a result of her own.”

Nature's fold? Ah, yes, the downside of folk singers and their ilk: they are largely insufferable. I don't care how deep I am in Nature's sweaty folds, if I'm not fucking with the local wildlife, I expect it to not fuck with me. It's common knowledge that coyotes will more likely than not run in the opposite direction when confronted by a human. The human doesn't have to be screaming or trying to force the coyote into a prayer circle--his or her mere presence is enough to send a coyote packing. The coyotes that tore your sweet, talented daughter to shreds were not normal coyotes. They had, much like Sarah Palin before them, gone rogue.

The joke is on Mrs. Mitchell however. Before her statement went public, one overly-aggressive coyote has been shot and killed, another wounded. Good riddance I say.

(If you want to donate money to the Taylor Mitchell Memorial Fund, check out her Web site here. I don't know what the money goes to, but I like to think it goes toward a nationwide coyote sterilization project. Stupid coyotes.)
4. THERE ARE COYOTES IN AUSTRALIA, RIGHT?

Australians demand more from the world's pop elite, and why shouldn't they? When they pay 1500 dollary-doos to see a concert, they expect the performer to sing live, not lip synch to a silly track. In fact, the Australian government requires performers to disclose whether or not they plan to lip synch during a show. Australians take their pop music seriously, which is why a bunch of them walked out of a recent Britney Spears concert, befuddled and enraged:

...disgruntled fans left Spears' show at the Perth Burswood Dome only three songs into the concert, complaining of a lackluster performance, apparent lip-synching and their inability to see Spears on the jumbo screens onstage.

"We are really big Britney fans, but it was crap," Josh Blee complained to Australia's News Limited newspapers. "I thought after the music awards she would make up for it with a wicked concert, but she has let us down."

Hey, Australia, I admire your efforts to keep artists honest, but be reasonable. Think about it: do you really want to hear Britney Spears sing live? I promise, you're not going to like what you hear. Britney Spears is awful. Take away the over production and the auto tuning there's, like, nothing there. It's shit. Awful, pathetic shit. I'm willing to bet that if Spears had sung live there would have still been massive walkouts. You literally witnessed the best Britney Spears can do. If you're not satisfied, well, you've only got yourselves to blame.
5. 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE HORNY

Ladies and gentleman, I give you...PORNAMENTS! Nothing says Happy Birthday, Jesus like a hand-painted Nativity scene, stockings hung by the chimney with care, and a Christmas tree ornament depicting a nude woman performing oral sex on a horny snowman.

Oddly enough, not every heart is warmed by the idea of classic yuletide characters going down on one another. Pastor Clint Wilder of Jacksonville, Florida, who organized a protest against the first wave of Pornaments three years ago, is sickened by their return. "It's offensive to me," he told Channel 4 News. "It's highly offensive. These are pornography. They should not be in the eyes of children, and they should not be where children shop."

I agree with Pastor Clint on one point: Pornaments should not be in the eyes of children, in fact, children shouldn't be shoving anything, ornaments or otherwise, into their peepers. They could do irreparable damage to their precious eyesight. As to his other points: [fart noise]! Geez, what a Scrooge! He acts as if kids have never seen two sparkly male elves have anal sex with one another or a gingerbread man give it to his gingerbread girlfriend doggystyle before. These are magical Christmas moments that need to be experienced by every child.

You can check 'em all out at Pornaments.com (probably NSFW). My favorite is the one where Santa is being ass-banged by an elf wielding a very large candy cane.

6. IT SUCKS TO BE OREO

We report a lot of horrible pet abuse stories here at Giant Electric Penguin, and rarely do they have a happy ending. The story of Oreo, a dog who was unceremoniously flung from a Brooklyn rooftop by her dickhead owner, is an exception:

Oreo, a pit bull mix, was hailed as a miracle dog when she survived being hurled off a Brooklyn rooftop last summer. She had two broken legs and a broken rib.

Her owner was arrested on cruelty charges, and Oreo, a dark brown dog with white paws and forelegs and a white stripe down her forehead, was nursed back to health. Dozens of people expressed interest in adopting her.

They will not get the chance. After overseeing her recovery, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has decided she has to be put to death. Oreo will be euthanized on Friday, according to the society’s president and chief executive, Ed Sayres.

Wait, what? You mean Oreo survived her harrowing 6-story plunge and was nursed back to health only to be snuffed out? WTF, ASPCA?

As it turns out, Oreo's ordeal turned her from a loving pet into a vicious monster. "Oreo's aggression is triggered by, basicallly, everything," Sayres goes on to say in the story. Oreo would've never fit in with polite society again and in the end death was the only option.

OK, so I dropped the ball this time, but I vow to find a pet abuse story with a happy ending before the end of 2009.

7. WACKY HOME INVASION NEWS!

Oh, man, this one's a humdinger:

HARRISBURG, Pa. -- A Harrisburg family said that a fire in their kitchen was caused by an intruder who was cooking.

Ebony Brown and her 13-year-old son left their Crescent Street row home for about 15 minutes Thursday night.

When the son returned, he saw a man who appeared homeless frying up some food.

Brown's son confronted the man who dropped the pan on the burner.

The kitchen went up in flames and the man ran away.

"He needed something to eat and somewhere warm. I guess my house was the target, maybe he was sitting there watching us leave," said Ebony Brown.

No one was hurt.

If caught, the alleged intruder could face burglary, theft and arson charges.

I guess you could say that guy's plan went UP IN SMOKE! Have a great weekend, folks!

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Food Porn Friday: Pancakes

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A Special Treat for GEP's Lady Fans

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Some friends of the blog put together something hot and sexy to keep you ladies warm this autumn. You're welcome.

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You're An Asshole, Nicholas Sparks

A couple times a month, I visit the iTunes Movie Trailer site and watch all of the new previews. It doesn't matter who stars or what the genre is, I'll watch the trailer. Usually I'm confronted with a treasure trove of awful, but sometimes I'll stumble across something that actually seems worth checking out. Whatever the case, there is usually one trailer that succeeds in making me cry like a chubby girl on prom night. This week it was the trailer for Dear John, the latest film based on a Nicholas Sparks novel.

I've just got one thing to say to you, Nicholas Sparks: you are an asshole! I was just sitting at my desk watching an awful trailer for a terrible movie based on your stupid book and...BAM...at 1:12, I'm bawling. For serious. I've got tears running down my face, snot dripping into my beard--just a complete fucking mess.

I'm an emotional guy. I'm not embarrassed. My eyes are raw and puffy by the end of just about every LOST episode. After completing a traumatic three months of student teaching in a Harnett County high school, an experience I still refuse to talk about, the only cure for my malaise was a viewing of my all-time favorite tearjerker, Dancer in the Dark (Something about watching Bjork being hanged for a crime she barely committed really gets to me). I still count sobbing through The Green Mile in a nearly empty theater one afternoon as one of the most rewarding and, hell, cathartic moviegoing experiences of my life. And it doesn't take sad shit to make me shed a cry. The little Pixar lamp can bounce across the screen and I'm a blubbering mess because I know what's coming. I lost it during the opening moments of the first Chronicles of Narnia movie because I love the book so much.

But a Nicholas Sparks movie? Not even a movie--the trailer for a movie! I can't imagine what would happen if I accidentally wandered into a showing of Dear John. I might actually cry my dick off and maybe later find a vagina growing where my penis used to hang.

Damn it, Nicholas Sparks! You're an asshole!

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GEP Consumer Reviews: Looking at Porn So You Don't Have To

If you're like me (you have a computer), you've probably gotten your fair share of e-mail spam from porno sites on the electrical web. If you're a little more like me (but only just a little), you've been tempted to click on some of those links (you know, in the interest of consumer research) but were afraid they'd install all sorts of malicious malware and hand control of your computer over to an Ethiopian warlord in Kenya or something. Well, we here at GEP have decided to go ahead and click those links and find out where they really lead. And guess what we found: some really great porn, and some awesome new friends. Hi, Getachew.



Check out these sites I found through real spam:

In a world of homogenized entertainment, Charged Bitch, Krista Enjoying The Stroke Of Her Man's Fingers To Her Yummy is a breath of fresh air. You heard that right, Charged Bitch, this site is specifically tailored to your desires: specifically, Krista enjoying the stroke of her man's fingers to her yummy. I don't know Krista, so I felt a little uncomfortable looking at her yummy, but I'm sure this is right up Charged Bitch's alley, and Krista does seem to enjoy her man's fingers. File this one under “Specialty Porn.”



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What can I say about Immune System Fatty Acid Strip Club in Fort Worth Nude Wheelechair that hasn't been said already? This: Everything you think you know about Immune System Fatty Acid Strip Club in Fort Worth Nude Wheelechair is wrong, right, and everything in between. If you haven't experienced Immune System Fatty Acid Strip Club in Fort Worth Nude Wheelechair's unique brand of smooth jazz/soft rock/really nasty hardcore porn, then run as fast as you can to your nearest Computer Booth brand wank station (there's one in the Mall of America) and insert 17,000 Dinari for your government approved 23 minutes of bliss. Do it now or your friends will think you're gay. Read the rest of this article.

What the WTF?: In Which We Take Issue with EW.com's "50 Actors We'd Watch in Anything" List

Last week, EW.com published their 50 Actors We'd Watch in Anything, a "countdown of performers whose name in the credits forces us to give even the most dubious TV or movie project the benefit of the doubt." As a rabid fan of both movies and television, I felt it my duty to read, study, and analyze this list. So, I did, and I'm calling bullshit. If I honestly believed that the editors of Entertainment Weekly magazine would literally sit through any film that any of the 50 actors named agreed to play some kind of role in, I would discontinue my subscription immediately. Luckily, since I do not currently have a subscription to EW, that part is done, but there's still this list--this awful, awful list.

Look, I realize that pointless lists are GEP's bread and butter, OK? I'm not ragging on the concept of the list. I'm obsessed with lists, in fact, my love of and reliance upon lists will be the subject of an upcoming series of articles on this very Web site, I'm just not a fan of this list. I don't care how much I like an actor--if he or she is in something horrible (i.e., anything directed by Uwe Boll, based on a book by Nicholas Sparks), I'm not going to subject myself to it.

So, EW, let's take a look at the list of actors you feel can do no wrong no matter the project. And away we go...

1. Rosario Dawson: Really? You'd watch Rosario Dawson in anything? Even...
...The Adventures of Pluto Nash? Your own Owen Gleiberman gave the film a "D-" in his 2002 review. And check out this little tidbit from the all-powerful, all-knowing IMDB:

In absolute terms, this movie made the largest financial loss of any movie to date, with a budget of $100 million and a total US gross of $4.41 million (total loss, $95.59 million).

Pluto Nash was a complete failure that internet movie reviewer Mr. Cranky called "unscreenably awful" and Ethan Alter of Film Journal International described as "everything you don't go to the movies for." But you would totally watch it because Rosario Dawson's name is on the cast list, EW? BULLSHIT!

Other films starring Rosario Dawson I couldn't care less about: Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (WTF???), Seven Pounds, Eagle Eye, Alexander

Films with Rosario Dawson that I like: Clerks II, Sin City, 25th Hour, Kids

2. Will Ferrell: Oh, man, I love Will Ferrell too. He's so funny! So, you'd watch him in anything, eh, EW? Even, oh, I don't know...

...Land of the Lost? I don't know one person who even enjoyed the trailer for Land of the Lost. I'm too young to be nostalgic for the 1974 television series and I'm too old and frugal to spend $9.50 to watch Ron Burgundy run away from CGI dinosaurs. Owen Gleiberman was being generous when he gave the the film a "C" rating on the pages of Entertainment Weekly. I think Digital Spy's Stella Papamichael put it best: "Like a valley of sedimentary rock, [Land of the Lost] is comprised of layer upon crumbling layer of dumbness."

To be fair, Will Ferrell was nominated for a Teen Choice Award for his role as Dr. Rick Marshall. He lost to Zac Efron.

Other awful movies starring Will Ferrell: Bewitched, Melinda and Melinda

"Meh" movies starring Will Ferrell: Semi-Pro (two funny scenes), Blades of Glory

Will Ferrell classics: Anchorman, cameo in Wedding Crashers, Stranger Than Fiction (one of my favorite films of 2006), Elf

3. Colin Firth: No way! Colin Firth? You'd watch anything with Colin Firth in it? Even...
...What A Girl Wants? I don't know what What A Girl Wants is about, but based on the trailer it appears to be the story of a sassy American teenager who travels to England to meet her father and falls down a lot. It's your classic illegitimate-child-is-kin-to-stuffy-British-royalty-whom-she-teaches-to-ease-up-and-get-jiggy-with-it story. It's also named after a Christina Aguilera song. And it looks horrible. Colin Firth might give a powerhouse performance, but I'll never know because as a general rule I do not watch Amanda Bynes films, even though I've seen large chunks of She's The Man on five separate occasions.

I'm going to give Brian McKay of eFilmCritic.com the final word: "There's very little about it that isn't utterly predictable, and naturally all major setbacks are quickly and easily overcome after a minute and a half music montage, before the final happy ending pancake platter is doused in syrupy overkill."

Films I've actually seen starring Colin Firth: Bridget Jones' Diary (eh), The English Patient (blech), Shakespeare in Love (good)

Films starring Colin Firth that Nick keeps telling me to watch: Love Actually

4. Julianne Moore: I like Julianne Moore too, EW. Good pick! Only I'm not sure you thought this through entirely. You say you'd watch Julianne Moore in anything, but what about...
...The Forgotten? The only two things I remember about The Forgotten are that people were being mysteriously pulled into the sky by some unseen force whenever they were about to reveal what was going on and that it sucked...sucked hard. Listen, I get it, Moore is an outstanding actor, one of my favorites, and maybe that's why we gloss over tragic missteps like The Forgotten when we put together these stupid lists. As rampant list makers, we should try harder.

Movies featuring Julianne Moore that I like very much: Magnolia, The Big Lebowski, Boogie Nights, Children of Men, The Lost World, the upcoming Matt Lawson/Julianne Moore sex tape (kidding, honey!)

5. Tom Selleck: Wait. Was this a typo? Did you mean Tom Sizemore? You'd watch Tom Selleck in anything, even...
...a Speedo? You felt comfortable putting Tom Selleck on a list that included Daniel Day Lewis and Alan Rickman? Blasphemy! Explain yourself:

With the perfect mix of movie-star good looks and a boyish persona, the famously mustachioed Tom Selleck rocked Magnum, P.I. And His Sexiness cropped up in Las Vegas and Boston Legal — and in his ongoing series of Jesse Stone TV movies — proving that he's both wonderfully throwback in nature while still being modern as all get-out.

What the WTF???

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Sunday Morning Music: Jon Lajoie -"WTF Collective"

Another comedy rap from internet superstar Jon Lajoie. Pretty funny in a fairly obvious way until MC Lethal Weapon 1,2, & 3 steps to the mic and spins some comedy rap gold. Read the rest of this article.

Happy Birthday to...

...Yunjin Kim, the most beautiful woman on television. If you don't agree, well, you can just get right the hell out of here!

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Saturday Morning News Bits: X-treme May-December, a racist field trip, goats, atheists, and the Lohan Dynasty

1. IS SHE REALLY GOING OUT WITH HIM?

GEP would like to take a moment to congratulate Ahmed Muhamed Dore on his most recent marriage. The 112-year-old Somalian man married wife #6 last month and is looking forward to filling her with babies as soon as possible. All said, Dore boasts 114 children and grandchildren combined. That's a lot of birthdays to remember.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Dore's new wife is 17-years-old:

Dore said he and his bride - who is young enough to be his great-great-grand-daughter - were from the same village in Somalia and that he had waited for her to grow up to propose.

"I didn't force her but used my experience to convince her of my love and then we agreed to marry," he said.

At least he waited for her to grow up before he proposed. That makes the whole thing less creepy...right?

Actually, it doesn't, because this story is creepy and weird and wrong. I know what you're thinking: "Aw, c'mon, Matt! You just don't understand the culture. In Somalia this kind of arrangement is perfectly acceptable. You're such a narrow-minded American. You suck." But keep in mind that this unnamed 17-year-old Somalian girl is stepmother to AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN! That is gross.

And before you go telling people what an ugly American I am for not supporting these supremely twisted nuptials, you should know I'm not the only Negative Nancy in the world:

The reaction to news of the marriage has been mixed.

Some people said while it was allowed under Islamic law, they were concerned about the age gap, but others were happy that age was not a barrier to love.

Dore told the BBC he was born in Dhusamareeb in central Somalia in 1897 - and has a traditional birth certificate, written on goat skin by his father.

However you feel about a decrepit old relic marrying a young girl just entering the prime of her life, you've got to admit that having a birth certificate written on goat skin is pretty effing cool. Anyway, congratulations or whatever.

2. A COTTON-PICKIN' SHAME!

A recent elementary school field trip to a plantation in Union County, North Carolina, has parents and faculty members super pissed, probably for good reason:

A controversial history lesson left parents and teachers upset in Union County.

The teachers plan to write letters to leaders at the historic Latta Plantation about their disapproval of a hands-on history lesson during a Rea View Elementary class trip Wednesday.

During a lesson on the Civil War, tour guide Ian Campbell, who is himself black, made black students pretend to be slaves in front of their white classmates.

Whoa. Party foul.

I don't know if the author of this article included the fact that Campbell is black to make the situation seem a little less racist, but he failed. I don't care what racial background a historian/tour guide comes from--you don't dress black kids up in slave garb, hand them a child-sized burlap sack, and force them to pick cotton in front of a large group of white children. Campbell wasn't making history come alive as much as he was making a whole bunch of little kids super uncomfortable.

In the article, Campbell says that in the future he will ask for volunteers rather than pick black kids exclusively to play the slaves, but I think I have a better idea: tell the kids about the horrors the slaves had to endure, show them some pictures, and point out that we've come a long way since those times. Make history come alive in a less controversial part of the plantation tour, like, I don't know, give everybody a turn operating the cotton gin or something.

I wonder if the students at Rea View Elementary got to eat at Arby's after the plantation tour. An Arby's roast beef sandwich was always my favorite part of any field trip.
3. HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

GOAT CONTROVERSY BREWING IN SOUTHINGTON

(You can read the article attached to this headline here. I didn't.)
4. UPDATE: ATHEIST BILLBOARDS VS. MISGUIDED CHRISTIAN RAGE

As expected, those atheist billboards GEP keeps reporting on, are finally pissing some Christians off. And for good reason! The more stupid atheist billboards there are, the less stupid Billboard Messages from God billboards there are. It's Billboardageddon out there, people. The battle for highway travelers' souls has begun!

The initial shots were fired Wednesday in Lakeland, Florida:

A 36-foot wide billboard that asks: "Don't believe in god? You're not alone," is upsetting quite a few people.

Wednesday, just before noon, a protestor stood under the sign put up by Atheists of Florida yelling into his microphone attached to two big speakers. His message was simple: bring the sign down.

People driving by cheered. Fellow supporter Otis Preast couldn't believe it was up in the first place.

"I've had too many miracles happen, I know there's a Jesus,” Preast said.

And atheists have experienced a whole lot of coincidences that don't require belief in the existence of an all-knowing, all-powerful deity. You guys are never going to agree, so why not live in harmony or, at least, ignore each other. If you're a Christian and you believe in the Bible (even the crazy parts), do that, go to Heaven when you die, and hock loogies on the unbelievers burning in Hell below you. Or, if you are an atheist and feel the need to remind the rest of us that you don't believe in a god every single waking hour of your life (sheesh!), do that, die, and become one with the soil or something. There's room for everybody on this crazy planet. Now, shut the fuck up and do something worthwhile with your life. Stop slapping up billboards and handing out Chick tracts, and buy lunch for a homeless dude. Stop preaching about the "End Times" and making fun of Christians on your weekly HBO talk show, and, I don't know, hook up with the Habitat for Humanity folks and build a damn house! God or no God, you've got a limited amount of time, so do something positive and quit pissing me off!
5. MICHAEL LOHAN'S DIRECT LINE TO GOD

Jon Gosselin has been in the news so much lately, that I'm sure many of you have forgotten what a colossal prick Lindsay Lohan's father can be sometimes. Well, Michael Lohan, the consummate douche-nozzle, must have noticed that Gosselin was stealing all his douchey thunder, because this week he was back and "better" than ever:

The ugly war of words between Michael and Lindsay Lohan shows no signs of cooling off.

Michael has released another audio tape, accusing his daughter of lying – and wasting her God-given talent.

On Thursday, Lindsay claimed on her Twitter page that Michael used to threaten to kill his then-wife Dina, Lindsay's mother, if she left him. Michael responded with a denial in an interview with New York Post Friday.

"That's a lie," he says. "I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that … No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."

Wait. Michael Lohan released another audio tape? Who is he, Richad Nixon? Why the fuck is Michael Lohan making and releasing audio tapes? Who is he releasing these audio tapes to, I wonder? Is there anyone anywhere still interested at all in the goings on of the Lohan family? I'm not, even though, yes, I am reporting this story, but give me a break, GEP is here to poke fun at the douche-tards that litter the pop culture landscape. This shit is our bread and butter. I hope there is no legitimate news source actively pursuing Michael Lohan's tape collection. If Lindsay Lohan had never been a Hollywood star that one time, no one would give half a shit about her dumb ass parents. As it is, the only reason anyone gives half a shit now is because by and large, Americans are bored and petty and watching the downfall of has-been celebrities and their trainwreck families provides a respite from the day-to-day bullshit of modern life.

I hope Michael and Lindsay never kiss and make up. I hope they continue to insult each other in the pages of People magazine and on Extra or Access Hollywood or whatever bullshit info-tainment show people waste their time watching for years to come. Watching horrible people do stupid horrible things makes life worth living. Not only that, but it gives me stuff to write about every Saturday morning.

NEWS BITS OUT!!!!

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The Parents Television Council Hates Threesomes!

EW.com reported Tuesday that an entity known as the Parents Television Council published an open letter to CW affiliates all over the country expressing their disgust that an upcoming episode of the popular prime time teen melodrama Gossip Girl will include a graphic depiction of what the French call a "ménage à trois," more commonly known in America as a "threesome" or a "naughty sandwich." The Parents Council feels that airing an episode showcasing a "three-way" or, as it's know in some portions of the deep South, a "slippery biscuit," is both "reckless" and "irresponsible."

I just have one question for the Parents Television Council: Have you ever seen Gossip Girl? The characters on this show have more sexual intercourse before the first station break than I've had in my entire life. Gossip Girl is essentially a show about teenagers having sex with one another in various combinations and in various network appropriate positions. And when they're not banging each other silly, they're lying, backstabbing, drinking, snorting coke, gambling illegally, purchasing multi-million dollar hotels, running political campaigns, and dropping out of Ivy League colleges. I hope you weren't under the impression that until the forthcoming threesome episode, Chuck, Blair, Serena, Nate, Jenny, and Dan were appropriate role models for today's youth. For the love of Ray J, did you see the promotional pic at the top of the page? Taylor Momsen, the girl in the top left corner, is 16-years-old, OK? 16!

I know you don't want to hear this, Parents Television Council, but whether or not your teenage son or daughter is currently "doing it," I guarantee they already know all about threesomes. I didn't need a television program to introduce the concept of how awesome hanging out with two naked hot chicks might be when I was a young man. That shit sort of came natural. TV shows, movies, and rap songs don't plant these deviant ideas in our heads, we do. We're animals--our brains are wired to come up with all sorts of deviant stuff. How else do you explain the Hot Carl?

Listen, PTC, I hear ya, there is a lot of sick shit out there that kids and teens shouldn't have to see until they're older and wiser, but I don't think watching Chuck Bass get a blumpkin from Blair Waldorf or Dan Humphrey drop a Cleveland steamer between Lizzie McGuire's breasts is going to scar them for life any more than your constant drinking and verbal abuse already does. That's right, Parents Television Council, I'm watching you and I do not like what I see.

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You thought the video for Holy Diver was perplexing...

...what the hell is going on in the video for "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes?

Mysterious G-men, maggot face wash, a fist fight in a spark factory, and suicidal bird transformation!?! This video has everything I never knew I didn't want! I'll never be able to hear "Owner of a Lonely Heart" again without feeling tarantulas and scorpions crawling all over me. Thank you, music video, for completely ruining a song I used to kind of think was OK.

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Sunday Morning Music - Dio "Holy Diver"

What better way to come down from an insane 24-hour horror movie/cat washing/car repair festival than with a song about a...um...what the hell is this song about? Taking drugs? Being insane? Clergy on vacation? Your interpretations are welcome. Read the rest of this article.